A little over three months have passed since I began this endeavor, and yet in that short time it appears that my intent of both introspection for myself and transparency for others have been cast to the way-side in lieu of writing about my personal hobbies and interests. This is counter-productive to me as a person, I think, because it’s detracting from my growth.
While the About the Author page on this site details the topics I’ve set aside to write about (which really equates to my interests and varying aspects of my life), I do not think I’ve been living up to the task I set before myself. Nor do I think the About page really explains what the purpose of this blog is.
So, very concisely, I will take a few paragraphs to detail my intent, as well as attempt to re-establish my commitment to that intent. This may not be punctual, but, as they say… better late than never.
There have been two major subjects that I’ve written about since May of 2012: soccer and economics. The latter less so than the former. It’s apparent that both of these are an integral part of who I am as a person, but a person does not hobbies alone make.
While these topics are extremely interesting to me, and, in fact, things that I take immense pride in learning, talking, and writing about, they’re not the entirety of Me. A quick glance at my blog would lead one to believe that it’s a soccer-analysis website with a funky name and sprinklings of libertarian economic thought throughout. It is not. It is about me. The whole me. And I regret to say that I have not done an appropriate job of presenting that.
One of the reasons I began this endeavor was to establish my writing and to develop my skills at it. While I don’t quite think I’m a world-renowned writer, nor one that can communicate their thoughts exceedingly articulately and beautifully in the English language, I do think having this outlet has been good for my development. I consider it a somewhat success in that regard.
But the other reasons I’ve started the blog (namely introspection and transparency) are being neglected. Analyzing one’s self is important to both personal growth and growth as a writer. All the greats have done some form of it: Emerson, Hemingway, Thoreau, et al. But why is it so difficult to do yourself?
Perhaps I do self-analyze. I consciously think about my inner workings all the time. I know I do. I mean, I’m me. I know my own thoughts. But putting those things into written (or typed) word is hard stuff. If I’m analyzing myself naturally, but not communicating it through word as my original intent was, then there needs to be an obstacle preventing me from doing so. This leads me to the second point of transparency.
For me, being transparent has always been insanely, impossible hard. Like all other humans, I have inner demons; skeletons in my closet; bodies under the floorboards. In short, things I don’t think I’d like to discuss with just anyone. On top of this, I’ve learned over the course of life that disclosing certain things to people you hardly know can become self-alienating.
It’s for this reason that I have developed a profound respect for anyone having written an honest-to-God memoir, autobiography, or publicized journal of their lives. Frank McCourt’s Angela’s Ashes comes to mind. Admitting to hooliganism, voodooism in church, promiscuous romps, and lack of emotions in otherwise-emotional scenarios takes a lot of balls. Do I actually have the courage to write about those types of things in my own life?
When I stop and think about it, it’s the act of letting others in that I fear the most. Making yourself vulnerable to judgment or ridicule or even just innocent advice or loving helpfulness. With these more positive responses, it’s as if I don’t even want the help. As if I’m asserting my independence and sovereignty as an individual. I’m god of my life. Period.
But that’s not the extent of it. The idea of allowing God into my personal life is terrifying to me as well. And in that regard, my spiritual life is far from “good”. Like Jesus said on the Mount “God bless the poor in spirit”. Despite of this short-coming, I’m still within God’s reach. Trying to focus solely on that during my spiritual revival is tough.
In the end, this blog still comes down to those two things. Introspection. Transparency.
Perhaps I should reverse them in order to prioritize them better. Transparency. Introspection.
I conclude, thus, that I need to open myself up more. To allow people to see me for who I am. That includes people I don’t know. That includes my family and friends. That especially includes my wife. And, I suppose, my currently illiterate children.
Damn not wanting to disclose too much. Damn those that wish to critique my life, too. I don’t believe I wish to cater to the side of me that doesn’t want to rock the boat. In the event that my spark ignites some kind of tire rubber fire that burns incessantly for months, damn it, too! I exist here in the blogosphere to write about myself. About the broad, wide-ranging, seemingly schizophrenic Renaissance Man that I am.
I enjoy many, many things in life. Writing about them all is just as difficult as learning and experiencing them all. Jack of all, master of none, and so forth. But my priorities need to be maintained. I need to stay on track.
To this end, I reach my commitment. I will be more transparent with my writings. I will publish content that might not be interesting to others. But this is not a blog for all people. Just like me, it’s marginal; a minority. If you like what you read, then like it. If not, don’t come back. I am not here to be popular, I am here to define myself and to release the inspiration, creativity, and torments from within me. That’s what Waldlichtung is all about. Getting myself into a clearing, where things can be brought into the open.
This does not mean an end to my soccer and economics rants. They will still be a focus. But just that: a focus. Not the focus. I will strive to show the multi-faceted person that I am. Transparency will be the way I do it. My introspection will follow, as any analysis should follow the event. Analyzing the things I’m transparent about seems to be a much more logical way to communicate than analyzing things no body knows about. I think my wife would agree…
So, this is it. My re-committal. Transparency. Introspection. Interests. In that order. I’m not here for hits or for popularity. I’m here to write about myself. If people find what they read inspiring, then that’s a bonus.
Here’s to hoping I find more waldlichtungs on the trail of life. God knows I need them.